There are films out there that suck.
Some of them, like Plan 9 from Outer Space, suck so badly that
they’ve developed a cult following. Others, like the Star Wars
Holiday Special, suck so badly that demons erupt from the Hellmouth
every time they’re played. But I don’t want to talk about those.
I want to talk about mediocre movies that people saw, but didn’t
rocket to the top of anyone’s personal movie leaderboards. I want
to talk about movies that no one really hates, but lots of people
don’t like for what are typically fair reasons. I want to talk
about five of these outcast movies, specifically, because I just so
happen to like them. Quite a bit.
Stardust
I saw this in
the theaters. I enjoyed it. Like, a lot. It’s a high adventure romp
about a young man striving to prove to himself and the world around
him that he isn’t a loser and he can amount to something. This is
the kind of story I can get behind. The movie itself is remarkably
good fun, between the feel of the world and the seven brothers. And
if you’re not convinced, I’ve got a concept for you.
Cross-dressing Pirate.
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| Robert De Niro as a cross-dressing pirate! |
I know, right? So why does no one
talk about this movie anymore?
Well, there’s a few reasons,
actually. It’s based on a graphic novel, so that’s a hit right
there. Furthermore, it’s not graphically violent because it’s
actually not trying to appeal to the audience the
graphic-novel-conversion sort of movie normally appeals to. It’s,
frankly, more of a chick-flick. So none of the nerds took it
seriously, but because it’s kinda nerdy, no one else did
either. It probably didn’t help that there was another
“chick-oriented” movie in the works at this point that
doubtlessly stole some thunder.
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| This movie got four sequels while Stardust is ignored. THIS IS WHAT HAS BECOME OF THE HUMAN RACE??!!? |
The Adventures of Tintin
This is a rather recent addition to
this list. Many would comment that this movie is too intense and
violent for kids, but too kiddie for adults. The plot is extremely
predictable, I had pretty much the whole thing figured from about
fifteen minutes in plus the trailers, the motion-capture animation
doesn’t really work for everyone, and it’s a movie that seems out
of place amidst the more serious, grittier animated movies of today
(Toy Story 3, Rise of the Guardians).
But I don’t get it. This movie had
all of the heart, all of the fun, and all of the good times that I
have come to expect from Spielberg in these situations. The kind of
action and unhalting pacing that made the old Indiana Jones movies,
the Goonies and Hook so much fun completely saturates this movie.
From the very beginning till the last second of the film, you are
pulled along on an adventure that runs from the streets of London,
across the seas and through the skies to the Near East and back
again. It’s a sprint from start to finish, and I would submit that
having such a transparent plot is what makes this fabulous. Admit it.
Indiana Jones never surprised you. But if you had the plot of
Inception with the pacing of Tin-Tin, you’d end up with… well,
seizures, probably. Comprehending thick plot that fast doesn’t work
well, so we get a thin plot that throws us down a two hour stretch of
rapids.
And I was laughing the entire time.
It was so much fun.
John Carter
Based mostly on a sci-fi novel titled A Princess of Mars, this movie, made by Disney, took a lot of flak before
everyone promptly and apparently unanimously decided to ignore it. I
can see why. The trailers made it look silly. And it was. It
completely ignores the fact that we have robots on Mars that
conclusively prove the entire conceit wrong (this was not the case
when the book was written). The story is simple, maybe a little
predictable, the acting is fine, but certainly not fantastic, not
helped at all by the trope-alicious writing. The whole movie, which
received a ton of publicity, was just kinda “meh”. Okay, fine.
All of this is true.
But it’s a summer blockbuster.
What were you expecting? I was expecting cool effects, lots of
fighting, and just some good, brainless fun. What I got was exactly
that, in spades, in addition to something I wasn’t expecting.
A soul.
This movie has a reason for
existing. It’s (again) a very chick-flick-ey reason, so maybe
that’s the reason this didn’t fare well amidst the summer
blockbuster crowd, but it’s better than the reason for Battleship,
which as far as I can tell amounts to, “Hey HASBRO! Battleship =
Transformers on the ocean! LOLZ!” John Carter, however, has this
really touching love story to tie the whole thing together, with this
wonderful little twist at the end that I didn’t see coming at all.
Seriously, you think the whole movie is completely transparent and
then a frikkin’ cherry tomato comes zinging out of right field and
hits you in the eye. That tiny level of depth made this movie stand
out amidst a whole lot of garbage the summer of 2012.
Cars 2
I don’t get all the belly-aching
about this movie either. The most common complaint I’ve heard about
it is that “it wasn’t up to Pixar’s usual standards.”
Okay then. It’s better than most
animated movies even still, and I had way more fun in this movie than
in UP. So what is your dish? It’s not the best Pixar movie ever. It
didn’t blow my mind, I admit that freely. But it was fun, full of
heart and morality, and Mater as a spy. It’s still a great kids
movie. Why all the hate?
As near as I can tell, people hate
this because it says Pixar at the beginning. This was a case of
expectations that were not met, and people felt betrayed. But think
about this, everyone. Pixar’s worst is still better than the huge
majority of Disney’s work. You’d rather have another Cinderella
sequel?
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| Because you all know this was a fantastic idea... |
Then quit whining.
Titan A.E.
This one slid into the world
completely under the radar, and has stayed there. I don’t remember
any hype at all for this, and I didn’t see it until years after it
had hit DVD. Then I saw it, still as a pretty young kid, and loved
it. I saw it again when I was older, and still loved it. It’s a
serious sci-fi adventure, no different from any other classic sci-fi
movie other than the fact that it’s animated. It really is a
diamond in the rough in that regard. This movie was among the first
to combine computer rendered animation with traditional drawn
animation, an effect that went into producing some of my favorite
animated films, such as Treasure Planet, Atlantis: The Lost Empire,
Hercules, Tarzan, and The Iron Giant. It shares something else with
Atlantis: The Lost Empire that I really loved, that it was co-written
by Joss Whedon. It’s got the right kind of story, as anything
written by Joss is bound to have. It’s got the right caliber of
vocal talent, staring some folks you may have heard of like Matt
Damon, Bill Pullman, and Ron Perlman. It looks good and it’s a
blast to watch. It ticks all the right boxes, so why isn’t it as
popular as the other films just mentioned?
I give you the power of Disney.
Titan A.E. was poorly marketed, and what marketing there was confused
the potential audiences. Without the marketing power of an entity
like Disney (or Warner Bros. in the case of The Iron Giant), Titan
A.E. flopped in the box-office and was pretty much never heard of
again. All that anyone remembers is that they didn’t know anyone
who saw it, and that what they saw or heard of it sounded “weird.”
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve asked about this movie who
said they didn’t like it when they’d never seen any of it.
So while I accept you probably don’t
care about my opinion in regards to the other movies on this list,
I’ve got a favor to ask here. Watch this film. It’s so much
better than history gives it credit for. If nothing else, do it for
the memory of Roger Ebert, who, believe it or not, genuinely enjoyed
it.
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