No two people have exactly the same
taste in everything. This is a fact. Two people may have
complimentary or similar tastes, which is usually good enough to say
it’s the same, but in my experience it’s when you disagree with
someone who has similar tastes to you that the really heated
arguments happen. This is why, to date, I very much try to avoid
talking about any of the following movies with my family. They’re
movies that are either cult classics or even main-stream classics,
movies that by all rights I should like. But I don’t. And I’ll
tell you why.
What is it
Contact, starring Jodie Foster and
Mathew McConaughey, fits under the cult classic category I mentioned
above. It’s about a scientist who finds conclusive proof of the
existence of alien life, which sends to Earth the instructions to
build a machine via radio communications. It’s existential, a
thinking man’s movie, which touches on everything from human
relationships to our need to explore.
Why I should like it
It’s a movie that’s designed to
be thought about. That’s one of my favorite things about a good
book, it makes you think. You invest time and attention into this
thing and it returns insights into yourself and humanity. Good grief,
I do love that stuff.
Why I don’t
It’s…. so….. dang….. slow! I
just, cannot express in words. Not so much like molasses uphill in
January, that’s a fairly painless sort of slow. It’s more like,
the school bus taking you home when you really need to pee. It’s
that kind of slow. Painful, agonizing, torturously slow. “Well, of
course you twit” my family members would say to me. “You wanted a
thinking man’s movie. You can’t really think when your senses are
being bombarded. It’s like watching a book! You don’t like books?”
My response to this is no. I don’t
like watching books. It’s like watching grass grow, or paint dry,
or any one of a thousand overused metaphors for being bored out of
your mind. I want to watch a movie. Where things happen. If I wanted
the pacing of a novel, I’d read a dang novel.
TRON
What is it
I’m not talking about TRON: Legacy
here. That movie rocks socks. I’m talking about the 1982 original,
in which a young Jeff Bridges gets pulled into a computer and has to
battle for his life against the malicious Master Control Program with
the help of a strapping young piece of software named TRON.
Why I should like it
Cult classic? Oh yes. Really fun
idea? Absolutely. Stunning visuals for 1982? Revolutionary, even.
This movie is everything that you’d expect from a classic sci-fi
movie, up to and including the hilariously bad hair and oversized
spectacles. It’s campy, it’s fun, and has loads of heart.
Why I don’t
Two words. Acid trip. The way the
characters talk, move, and look is exactly how I’d picture an acid
trip. It’s like that one scene at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey,
which itself narrowly avoided being included on this list. I have
been accused of hating classic movies over this. I have been accused
of demanding only the newest and best graphics, the most perfectly
written scripts, the biggest names in acting, yadda yadda.
Fact is, I can’t really put a
finger on why I don’t like TRON so much. Maybe it’s the music,
which sucks. Maybe it’s the writing, which is borderline
schizophrenic. Maybe it’s the fact that while every other program
is represented by a little dude, the MCP is this giant glowing tower
of light that conveniently also functions as a portal for Flynn. I
don’t know, there’s a lot of things.
UP
What is it
Oscar winning CGI animated film from
Pixar.
Why should I like it
It’s an Oscar winning CGI animated
film from Pixar. That usually means a guaranteed like from me.
Why I don’t
This is where people start throwing
overripe vegetables at me over the entries on this list. “How can
you not like UP!” they’ll all scream. Well, I’ll tell you.
I just didn’t care. It seems to me
that the most important thing to ever happen to this guy was his
relationship with his wife, and I’m not really in the business of
watching movies about stuff that doesn’t feel important. I enjoyed,
nay, adored the first ten minutes of this film, and would gladly
watch a movie about that. But in comparison, the rest of the movie
just kinda feels ho-hum, and I just couldn’t make myself give two
cents worth of attention to what was going on. Yes, it was exotic,
yes it was exciting, and yes the characters learn about themselves,
but the most enriching thing in this movie ends about ten minutes in,
and I just don’t care about the rest.
E.T.
What it is
A classic family movie about a boy
who befriends and cares for an alien named ET. ET was left behind by
his people, and is helped by the boy to… You know what, if you need
me to tell you what E.T. is, you should probably stop reading right
here and go experience life a little. Like, seriously.
Why should I like it
Because who doesn’t love E.T.?
It’s a family classic, the movie that all kids dream of living,
what with befriending an alien and running from government agents and
flying on bikes. It’s got it all! Also, it’s directed by Steven
Spielberg, who I’ve already said is my favorite director.
Why I don’t
Spielberg already gave me the
perfect family adventure movie. It’s called Hook. As for the rest,
those are pansy dreams. You know what I dreamt about when I was a
kid? Being able to shape-shift into whatever dinosaur I wanted so I
could run around eating baddie dinosaurs and battling various
interstellar monsters and whatnot. Not babysitting the Muppet so
ugly, even Gonzo wouldn’t have him. I mean, who wants to watch a
movie about babysitting? I watch movies for escapism, and that’s
about the least escapist thing I can imagine.
So sure, it’s a classic, sure it’s
a good movie, sure it’s by Spielberg and has a fabulous soundtrack
by John Williams and is easily one of the most iconic movies of all
time. But I think it’s boring and pointless, so there you are.
Star Trek
What it is
The bold reboot of the intrepid
Captain Kirk, his starship Enterprise and his brave crew. We remake
the timeline, update the themes for a modern audience, and voila!
Paramount’s ultimate cash cow is milked for even more!
Why I should like it
There are plenty of people who don’t
like this movie. I’ve met several of them. However, those are the
type of people who don’t like sci-fi and wouldn’t watch Star Trek
if you paid them to. I am not one of those people. I’m a sci-fi
junkie and a massive Trekkie. I can name most of the ships that
appeared in the shows, and not just the names, but the classes and
models, reciting statistics relating to crew compliment, engine
output and defensive power. I’m a huge dang nerd, and this movie
was loaded with Trekkie fan service with acting as good as any of the
other movies and graphics to make your heart melt. How could I not
like this?
Why I don’t
Hoo boy, you got me started now.
Hold on tight.
First: The director. JJ Abrams isn't
a bad director. There are things about his style and the style of
this movie that I liked. But the difference between a legendary
director and a passable director is their ability to tell the
difference between an interesting idea and a good idea. Like the
difference between using lens flares and camera motion to evoke a
sense of panic or blindness and using lens flares and camera motion
to evoke the symptoms of the flu. JJ Abrams has had a lot of
interesting ideas, and certainly isn't afraid to roll with them. So
far, some of them have been good. Just think back to the last
director who showed such promise in such a similar way. Now look at a
review for his latest movie.
 |
| I'll give you a hint. It's not Spielberg. |
Second: The villain. I have watched
all of the greatest Star Trek. One thing that all great Star Trek has
in common is a compelling villain. Whether it be a person, a species,
a ship, whatever. Think back to 2009. How many times did you have to
watch the movie to even remember this dudes name?
 |
| It rhymes with "doll", right? With horns? Or is that the wrong franchise? |
I rest my case.
Third: The music. Star Trek set a very high bar with the score for The Motion Picture, penned by Jerry Goldsmith. The theme he wrote was completely iconic. James Horner, Leonard Rosenman and Clif Eidlman kept that standard high while Goldsmith himself continued to write fantastic scores for the rest of the movies. The first few
times I watched the movie, I thought I loved the music. But it's not
a score that bears repetition very well, and it didn't take long
before I decided it was boring. Add to that the fact that Giaccino ignored the iconic themes Goldsmith wrote and when you did finally recognize a theme it was in the end credits and just happened to be the theme from the original series...
Is it a bad movie? No. But as far as
it ranks in comparison to other Star Trek movies, I'd put it between
Insurrection and The Motion Picture. A position some of you would
recognize as very near the bottom of the list. And I'll stand by
that. The second one was much better, and now that they've handed
Abrams the reigns to Star Wars, it won't take long to see just how
much like M. Night he really is.
I always enjoy reading your blog Caleb, I don't necessarily agree with all the movies you put on this list but I can certainly sympathize with the feeling that I should like a movie but I don't. I'm glad that you found something that everyone thinks about but no one ever thought to put into words.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you on Star Trek, but I'm going to disagree with you on all the others. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, I try to avoid talking about these movies at family gatherings, for that exact reason. :)
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