The 5 Best Movies I Don't Like

No two people have exactly the same taste in everything. This is a fact. Two people may have complimentary or similar tastes, which is usually good enough to say it’s the same, but in my experience it’s when you disagree with someone who has similar tastes to you that the really heated arguments happen. This is why, to date, I very much try to avoid talking about any of the following movies with my family. They’re movies that are either cult classics or even main-stream classics, movies that by all rights I should like. But I don’t. And I’ll tell you why.

Contact

What is it

Contact, starring Jodie Foster and Mathew McConaughey, fits under the cult classic category I mentioned above. It’s about a scientist who finds conclusive proof of the existence of alien life, which sends to Earth the instructions to build a machine via radio communications. It’s existential, a thinking man’s movie, which touches on everything from human relationships to our need to explore.

Why I should like it

It’s a movie that’s designed to be thought about. That’s one of my favorite things about a good book, it makes you think. You invest time and attention into this thing and it returns insights into yourself and humanity. Good grief, I do love that stuff.

Why I don’t

It’s…. so….. dang….. slow! I just, cannot express in words. Not so much like molasses uphill in January, that’s a fairly painless sort of slow. It’s more like, the school bus taking you home when you really need to pee. It’s that kind of slow. Painful, agonizing, torturously slow. “Well, of course you twit” my family members would say to me. “You wanted a thinking man’s movie. You can’t really think when your senses are being bombarded. It’s like watching a book! You don’t like books?”

My response to this is no. I don’t like watching books. It’s like watching grass grow, or paint dry, or any one of a thousand overused metaphors for being bored out of your mind. I want to watch a movie. Where things happen. If I wanted the pacing of a novel, I’d read a dang novel.

TRON

What is it

I’m not talking about TRON: Legacy here. That movie rocks socks. I’m talking about the 1982 original, in which a young Jeff Bridges gets pulled into a computer and has to battle for his life against the malicious Master Control Program with the help of a strapping young piece of software named TRON.

Why I should like it

Cult classic? Oh yes. Really fun idea? Absolutely. Stunning visuals for 1982? Revolutionary, even. This movie is everything that you’d expect from a classic sci-fi movie, up to and including the hilariously bad hair and oversized spectacles. It’s campy, it’s fun, and has loads of heart.

Why I don’t

Two words. Acid trip. The way the characters talk, move, and look is exactly how I’d picture an acid trip. It’s like that one scene at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, which itself narrowly avoided being included on this list. I have been accused of hating classic movies over this. I have been accused of demanding only the newest and best graphics, the most perfectly written scripts, the biggest names in acting, yadda yadda.

Fact is, I can’t really put a finger on why I don’t like TRON so much. Maybe it’s the music, which sucks. Maybe it’s the writing, which is borderline schizophrenic. Maybe it’s the fact that while every other program is represented by a little dude, the MCP is this giant glowing tower of light that conveniently also functions as a portal for Flynn. I don’t know, there’s a lot of things.

UP

What is it

Oscar winning CGI animated film from Pixar.

Why should I like it

It’s an Oscar winning CGI animated film from Pixar. That usually means a guaranteed like from me.

Why I don’t

This is where people start throwing overripe vegetables at me over the entries on this list. “How can you not like UP!” they’ll all scream. Well, I’ll tell you.

I just didn’t care. It seems to me that the most important thing to ever happen to this guy was his relationship with his wife, and I’m not really in the business of watching movies about stuff that doesn’t feel important. I enjoyed, nay, adored the first ten minutes of this film, and would gladly watch a movie about that. But in comparison, the rest of the movie just kinda feels ho-hum, and I just couldn’t make myself give two cents worth of attention to what was going on. Yes, it was exotic, yes it was exciting, and yes the characters learn about themselves, but the most enriching thing in this movie ends about ten minutes in, and I just don’t care about the rest.

E.T.

What it is

A classic family movie about a boy who befriends and cares for an alien named ET. ET was left behind by his people, and is helped by the boy to… You know what, if you need me to tell you what E.T. is, you should probably stop reading right here and go experience life a little. Like, seriously.

Why should I like it

Because who doesn’t love E.T.? It’s a family classic, the movie that all kids dream of living, what with befriending an alien and running from government agents and flying on bikes. It’s got it all! Also, it’s directed by Steven Spielberg, who I’ve already said is my favorite director.

Why I don’t

Spielberg already gave me the perfect family adventure movie. It’s called Hook. As for the rest, those are pansy dreams. You know what I dreamt about when I was a kid? Being able to shape-shift into whatever dinosaur I wanted so I could run around eating baddie dinosaurs and battling various interstellar monsters and whatnot. Not babysitting the Muppet so ugly, even Gonzo wouldn’t have him. I mean, who wants to watch a movie about babysitting? I watch movies for escapism, and that’s about the least escapist thing I can imagine.

So sure, it’s a classic, sure it’s a good movie, sure it’s by Spielberg and has a fabulous soundtrack by John Williams and is easily one of the most iconic movies of all time. But I think it’s boring and pointless, so there you are.

Star Trek

What it is

The bold reboot of the intrepid Captain Kirk, his starship Enterprise and his brave crew. We remake the timeline, update the themes for a modern audience, and voila! Paramount’s ultimate cash cow is milked for even more!

Why I should like it

There are plenty of people who don’t like this movie. I’ve met several of them. However, those are the type of people who don’t like sci-fi and wouldn’t watch Star Trek if you paid them to. I am not one of those people. I’m a sci-fi junkie and a massive Trekkie. I can name most of the ships that appeared in the shows, and not just the names, but the classes and models, reciting statistics relating to crew compliment, engine output and defensive power. I’m a huge dang nerd, and this movie was loaded with Trekkie fan service with acting as good as any of the other movies and graphics to make your heart melt. How could I not like this?

Why I don’t

Hoo boy, you got me started now. Hold on tight.

First: The director. JJ Abrams isn't a bad director. There are things about his style and the style of this movie that I liked. But the difference between a legendary director and a passable director is their ability to tell the difference between an interesting idea and a good idea. Like the difference between using lens flares and camera motion to evoke a sense of panic or blindness and using lens flares and camera motion to evoke the symptoms of the flu. JJ Abrams has had a lot of interesting ideas, and certainly isn't afraid to roll with them. So far, some of them have been good. Just think back to the last director who showed such promise in such a similar way. Now look at a review for his latest movie.

I'll give you a hint. It's not Spielberg.

Second: The villain. I have watched all of the greatest Star Trek. One thing that all great Star Trek has in common is a compelling villain. Whether it be a person, a species, a ship, whatever. Think back to 2009. How many times did you have to watch the movie to even remember this dudes name?

It rhymes with "doll", right? With horns? Or is that the wrong franchise?

I rest my case.

Third: The music. Star Trek set a very high bar with the score for The Motion Picture, penned by Jerry Goldsmith. The theme he wrote was completely iconic. James Horner, Leonard Rosenman and Clif Eidlman kept that standard high while Goldsmith himself continued to write fantastic scores for the rest of the movies. The first few times I watched the movie, I thought I loved the music. But it's not a score that bears repetition very well, and it didn't take long before I decided it was boring. Add to that the fact that Giaccino ignored the iconic themes Goldsmith wrote and when you did finally recognize a theme it was in the end credits and just happened to be the theme from the original series...

Is it a bad movie? No. But as far as it ranks in comparison to other Star Trek movies, I'd put it between Insurrection and The Motion Picture. A position some of you would recognize as very near the bottom of the list. And I'll stand by that. The second one was much better, and now that they've handed Abrams the reigns to Star Wars, it won't take long to see just how much like M. Night he really is.