Beowulf

Like, the actual Beowulf. Not the movie. I mean, I'll probably spend some time mocking the movie, but other than to say the movie sucked, this review is not of the movie. Because hecks no. I only write reviews of movies I truly despise if they've got Star Trek in the name.

Incidentally, Star Trek: Beowulf is totally a thing I would watch.

Anywho, I read the poem. Or rather, listened to the poem, which is probably better anyways since most epic poetry was written to be performed, not just read. And unlike most of the translations, this was actually a poem. But even better, it was an alliterative poem, just like the original. Because rhyme is a French thing and everything wrong with our language is French's fault.

I'd feel safe blaming that thing for a multitude of horrors.

On a side note, did you know that most people aren't very good at reading alliterative poetry aloud? Some of the readers for the (volunteer public domain) version I listened to were really good, and the flow was fantastic and really easy to pay attention to. But others kept stumbling over the alliterative couplets in the lines. This broke the rhythm pretty badly sometimes, and I'd miss the meaning of whole sentences as a result. But when the reader can hack it, this is totally the best way to write poetry. Alliterative with the intent that it be read aloud.

Now all of that being said, let's talk about how Beowulf the actual poem differs from what pop-culture had led me to expect. First off, there wasn't nearly as much actual fighting as I'd expected. Also, much less bragging. I'd always thought that Beowulf would be the entire time just like "I'm the best, best of the nest, beat all the rest, wut."

Instead, it was more like "Hey, I did this awesome thing and so you should let me kill this monster!" So that was bragging. But then he killed the monster (SPOILER ALERT GRENDEL DIES) and everyone else was like "Hey you rock let's give you loads of stuff!" And then another monster shows up and kills some people and everyone else is like "Hey Beowulf you killed that other monster and you're so awesome can you kill this one too?" and Beowulf is like "Sure!" So then he kills the other monster (SPOILER ALERT GRENDEL'S MOM DIES TOO) and everyone else is like "You're so awesome here's more stuff!"

And then he goes home and everyone there is like "You rock!" and then like ages later yet another monster shows up and everyone else is like "Hey remember how you killed these monsters well guess  what!" And Beowulf is all like "Wut?" and then he kills a dragon and dies (SPOILER ALERT EVERYONE DIES).

Beowulf: Artist's rendition.

So mostly what I'm saying is, Beowulf was confident, but he didn't come across as being stuck up, to me at least. It was everyone else being stuck up for him. This changed the whole dynamic for me. Turns out, Beowulf was a pretty great guy. Kinda makes more sense than if they'd written a whole epic poem about a self-obsessed prick.

So what did the movie get wrong? Nobody slept with Grendel's mom. Grendel wasn't Hrothgar's son, the dragon wasn't Beowulf's, oh and incidentally, Beowulf didn't steal Hrothgar's wife and kingdom. So what did the movie get right?

Names. That's about it.