If you watch big blockbusters, you're probably aware that by and large none of them really qualify as "high art." I guess it's hard to be artful when 60% of your run-time is explosions. Blockbusters are more about entertaining us than they are about portraying the beautiful minutiae of the human experience. So it's just a different standard is all.
But if you watch big blockbusters, you're probably also aware that simply throwing a bunch of generic bad-a characters and explosions into a film doesn't make it good. There are a lot of really huge blockbusters out there that are just, really obviously terrible. But much like a seriously huge pile of triceratops poop can still contain valuable botanical evidence, giant piles like the following movies can still sometimes give us a moment of pure entertainment so out of place it feels more like an abstract short film than part of the turd-fest it's been hitched to. Here are five fantastic little gems buried under vomit-inducing atrocities.
It's a really bad movie, is what I'm saying.
But if all you saw were those two scenes I mentioned earlier, you might be wondering where all the hate was coming from. My favorite is, I'm sure, the scene upon which this entire mistake-of-a-film was predicated; where they take a battleship and sink the other guy's battleship. It's nothing fancy, but it is a pretty good action set piece, it's entertaining, it isn't slow or awkward, and if you can get around the lens flares there's a good amount of pride available in there. It's loads of fun.
Unfortunately, what we got was this movie, which was dull, made Gambit and Deadpool into the least interesting characters in superhero history, and nearly ruined all the stuff that made Wolverine cool. And it wasn't really even his origins, just the origin of his metal skeleton which, if you recall X2, we already knew!!
Stupid movie. Stupid, stupid movie. BUT... Those opening credits. That was the movie we wanted. Wolverine and his immortal brother Sabertooth running away as kids to fight in every major war to be had in the western hemisphere. Action! Excitement! Drama! There's obviously a story there, because the credits even show us how the whole thing ended with conflict between the brothers. It's a movie about brotherhood! About what immortality can do to you as the years pass! Hugh Jackman gets shot in the chest by a cannon! Those credits are amazing, and if you just think of the whole thing as a short film and only watch the first seven minutes, it's actually pretty darn good.
"What," you might be thinking, "could possibly be redeeming about this movie? There aren't even enough interesting slivers to piece together a good trailer."
But there is exactly one clip that's worthwhile. Give me a 30 second TV spot of the moment when we see the Nautilus sail into Venice, and I'd be pretty excited about the movie advertised. The ship is extreme, ornate, and gorgeous. Yes, it's not really anything like the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, but it is striking, and I love it.
*hee-whoo* *hee-whoo*
Okay. That out of the way, I want to talk about that pathetic excuse for the barest hair's breadth of a shred of anything worthwhile, also known as the very beginning of the movie when the crew of the Enterprise is on shore leave. From Kirk falling off of El Capitan to Chekov and Sulu getting lost on a hike, there is some genuine humor in there. It does not excuse this movie, but those few little vignettes are fun additions to the Star Trek universe.
But if you watch big blockbusters, you're probably also aware that simply throwing a bunch of generic bad-a characters and explosions into a film doesn't make it good. There are a lot of really huge blockbusters out there that are just, really obviously terrible. But much like a seriously huge pile of triceratops poop can still contain valuable botanical evidence, giant piles like the following movies can still sometimes give us a moment of pure entertainment so out of place it feels more like an abstract short film than part of the turd-fest it's been hitched to. Here are five fantastic little gems buried under vomit-inducing atrocities.
Battleship - Battleship
This movie is actually not the worst on this list. There are at least two scenes where it lives up to its summer blockbuster origins with rousing and fun action. There's also the fact that it's got Liam Neeson in it, and we do get one solid line out of him. But mostly, this entire movie is one long, painful trek through bad acting, bad pacing, and a script littered with George Lucas style dialogue that absolutely no one could make sound human.It's a really bad movie, is what I'm saying.
But if all you saw were those two scenes I mentioned earlier, you might be wondering where all the hate was coming from. My favorite is, I'm sure, the scene upon which this entire mistake-of-a-film was predicated; where they take a battleship and sink the other guy's battleship. It's nothing fancy, but it is a pretty good action set piece, it's entertaining, it isn't slow or awkward, and if you can get around the lens flares there's a good amount of pride available in there. It's loads of fun.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Opening Credits
Ah, Wolverine. Everyone's favorite X-Man for a couple of reasons; first, because he's a bad-a good-guy, and second, because Hugh Jackman flipping rocks. We came out of X2 completely sold on the character of Wolverine, and then The Last Stand happened. That was a bit of a nasty taste in everyone's mouth, so we were all understandably excited to find out that the next X-Men movie would in fact be about Wolverine. Woo!Unfortunately, what we got was this movie, which was dull, made Gambit and Deadpool into the least interesting characters in superhero history, and nearly ruined all the stuff that made Wolverine cool. And it wasn't really even his origins, just the origin of his metal skeleton which, if you recall X2, we already knew!!
Stupid movie. Stupid, stupid movie. BUT... Those opening credits. That was the movie we wanted. Wolverine and his immortal brother Sabertooth running away as kids to fight in every major war to be had in the western hemisphere. Action! Excitement! Drama! There's obviously a story there, because the credits even show us how the whole thing ended with conflict between the brothers. It's a movie about brotherhood! About what immortality can do to you as the years pass! Hugh Jackman gets shot in the chest by a cannon! Those credits are amazing, and if you just think of the whole thing as a short film and only watch the first seven minutes, it's actually pretty darn good.
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - The Nautilus
Speaking of comics being butchered... The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a comic series with I think one of the best concepts ever. The movie uselessly adds onto the premise and ploughs forward without any regard for character development or plot. It's just one long inane string of insanity and unbelievability from beginning to end, and not even Sir Sean and his signature carelessness could manage to be interesting. The action is impossible to follow, the characters are impossible to care about, and the set pieces are a hot mess of pseudo-steampunk-victorean-medievalism."What," you might be thinking, "could possibly be redeeming about this movie? There aren't even enough interesting slivers to piece together a good trailer."
But there is exactly one clip that's worthwhile. Give me a 30 second TV spot of the moment when we see the Nautilus sail into Venice, and I'd be pretty excited about the movie advertised. The ship is extreme, ornate, and gorgeous. Yes, it's not really anything like the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, but it is striking, and I love it.
Star Trek: The Final Frontier - Shore Leave
Of all the Star Trek movies that have been made, this is the worst. I've said so. Many, many times. So I won't take the time to go into details over why this is a bad movie, and I'll just settle for saying that this enormous pile of turd couldn't be buried deep enough below an unmarked grave for me to ever forgive its many, many lost chances to have even a pathetic excuse for the barest hair's breath of a shred of anything worthwhile.*hee-whoo* *hee-whoo*
Okay. That out of the way, I want to talk about that pathetic excuse for the barest hair's breadth of a shred of anything worthwhile, also known as the very beginning of the movie when the crew of the Enterprise is on shore leave. From Kirk falling off of El Capitan to Chekov and Sulu getting lost on a hike, there is some genuine humor in there. It does not excuse this movie, but those few little vignettes are fun additions to the Star Trek universe.
Jurassic World - Rex Fight
Okay, I may take some flak for this, but guys, seriously; This movie was nowhere near as good as the box-office numbers made it look. It was inferior to the original in every single way, while somehow copying as much of the original as humanly possible. The plot was contrived, the character motivations were erratic, the performances and writing were bland, and so many supposedly intelligent people did so many transparently stupid things to give us a conflict that was utterly unbelievable and uninteresting.
I mean, they couldn't even get me to care about Chris Pratt riding a dirt bike through a tropical jungle at the head of a pack of raptors, and that just seems like something that should be really easy to do.
Then, toward the end, they almost managed to make me forget about all of that. When woman-who's-superpower-is-running-in-three-inch-heels (no, I don't remember her character's name and I'm not looking it up) lures the t-rex out of its cage so it can lay the beat-down on the i-rex, and it smashes through a skeleton and roars... That was a glorious moment. It's followed by the dinosaur cage-match 10-year-old me (read: just regular me) didn't know he wanted, and then the indominus rex was eaten by a mosasaurus. That fight was a beautiful thing.
In fact, if the movie would have just ended right there...
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