Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (SPOILERPANTS EDITION)

In case it wasn't obvious from the title, this is the half of my review that SPOILS EVERYTHING about this movie. So if you haven't seen it yet and want to enjoy the ending, DON'T READ THIS!

If, however, you're just interested in my thoughts concerning the movie and you've either already seen it or don't plan to, you may proceed.

If you read my spoiler free review of the movie, you'll know that in a general sense I thought there were some issues but overall I enjoyed it. I want to start off this version by saying I appreciate Rogue One mostly because it addresses one of the biggest, most obvious plot holes in the entire Star Wars universe.

I'm talking, of course, about the thermal exhaust port. A little hole, clearly delineated by the existence of a really lengthy trench pointed right at it, which when impacted will cause a chain reaction that'll blow the entire moon-sized space station into dust. Not only is that feature utterly boneheaded, the fact that the rebels are able to identify it so quickly while the Empire (who built the dang thing) totally missed it is completely ridiculous. Oh, but you say a secret rebel who was instrumental in the design of the station intentionally planted that weakness and spent years hiding it from the Empire so he could specifically tell the rebels what to look for?

Ooookay. That's a little convenient, but it is an explanation that holds some water. Well played.

Also, it is somewhat satisfying that there are people out there that, like me, will see a line of exposition and think "hey, that would make a better movie than what I'm actually watching right now." In fact, those moments are scattered all through the opening crawls for pretty much every Star Wars movie, and I'm glad we may actually get to see more of those going forward. And I appreciate that this movie does paint such a bleak picture for the rebel alliance.

If you just watch the original trilogy, you tend to think of these two groups as being generally pretty equal in strength. At the very least, stormtroopers appear utterly useless as troops considering a handful of rebel scums manage to engage with them a few dozen times without suffering any injury beyond Leia getting an inconvenient flesh wound. But Rogue One wasn't afraid to make the Empire look terrifying, and the rebels look desperate. They sacrificed a lot, up to and including a substantial portion of their entire fleet (you will be remembered, blue squadron!) just so they could grab the one piece of information that would keep them all from being utterly annihilated.

The sacrifices are real, and they don't pull any punches in helping the audience finally understand just how badly the odds really are stacked against the rebellion. For that reason, this movie is the single best argument in favor of watching the Star Wars movies in chronological order. Episode III shows us the rise of an empire and a galaxy flung into despotism and despair, Rogue One shows us a rag-tag group of rebels fighting and dying for that last glimmer of hope, and Episode IV shows us those rebels finally securing a victory in the face of insurmountable odds. With Rogue One, Episode IV feels so much more important in the overall story of this universe.

That's probably the main reason I think this is the best addition to the Star Wars universe since, literally, The Empire Strikes Back. That relationship with the main storyline is expertly crafted, and that's just super.

Now, that aside, it is kinda hard to ignore the fact that this shares a lot with The Seven Samurai. If you want to get into specifics, okay, they're not necessarily fighting for someone else's cause, but in several cases the characters do have to adopt the cause either on screen or off it before the final showdown, so I think it counts. Also, assuming you count all of the rebel soldiers and pilots who sacrifice to win the day, there's a lot more than just seven. And the rebel alliance doesn't exactly ask for their help. And everyone dies at the end. But if we call the alliance "farmers" and the motley crew of rogue 1 "ronin," the gist is basically the same.

And taken in that light, the end result could have been better. The focus was very much on the characterization of a few, and some of the other characters suffered as a result. There were also a lot of setting changes that were jarring, and it wasn't easy to form an attachment to any particular place or objective that our heroes were fighting for. I guess I'm saying that in comparison to great classics, Rogue One isn't one.

So sure, the movie could have been better. It would be nice if I could remember some of the new names beyond Jyn Erso, or some of the new settings beyond Scarif. I was (at least in part) expecting everyone to die at the end (and seriously think about it, aside from the characters that we already knew from the earlier movies, pretty much every speaking character dies at the end), but their sacrifices would have felt more meaningful if I'd known better who they were beyond a one-line character sketch.

But Alan Tudyk's droid-face... his death moved me. Whether that was because of the strength of Tudyk's performance or because his character did get some quality development, I can't say. Or maybe it was because I was having some Wash/Serenity flashbacks...

In any case, I might have cried a bit.

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