So I wrote a review for this book a while back. The review was inspired by the classic works of Arthur Conan Doyle, as opposed to Alexander Dumas, in that it does not take three weeks to read, but rather just a few minutes. But if you find yourself bereft of the minutes needed to both read that review and this one, I can be even more brief. My take on it was, in summary, that the story and characters and settings are excellent, but the writing is excessively dry and you should probably partake of the story in another, more abbreviated medium like an abridgment, play, or movie.
I'm revisiting the topic to point out that no, I did not mean this movie. The Mickey Mouse version would be preferable. Watching your toddler swat a window with a broomstick until it cracked and eventually shattered (it being the toddler) and calling that The Three Musketeers would be preferable.
I did see this movie not long after it came out in 2011. The reason I'm back to it is because it crossed my Netflix feed not to long ago and I watched it again. And there are a few things about it that I feel are definitely worth talking about, beyond just warning you that this is not a great retelling of Dumas' excellent story about the musketeers. But I did want to start with the warning. Just to be clear.
First, I want to give a shout out to Milla Jovovich, who is an excellent action actress who never fails to entertain with her self-performed feats of physicality. She's a total bad-a, and even though her character in this movie (Milady, for those of you familiar with the cast of this story) isn't exactly... well, um, "written", in any sense of the word, and Milla doesn't do much to elevate the actual character performance above "motile cardboard cutout," every action sequence that features her is an absolute joy to watch. If you've never seen Milla Jovovich in an action movie, well, actually you have. She was Leeloo in The Fifth Element. Again, not an amazing character ("multi-pass?"), but her fight sequences were fun.
Second, I want to give a shoutout to the casting director of this movie, who gave us the opportunity to see Orlando Bloom acting opposite Off-Brand Orlando Bloom (#1). I can never remember that guy's actual name, and now that I've seen him in a bunch of other non-musketeer movies, that's a shame. OB OB (#1) is, in my opinion, a legitimately more talented actor than OG OB, but because The Lord of the Rings came first, I'll never be able to see him as anything other than a look-alike. Since this movie we got to see these two opposite each other again in The Hobbit, but this movie deserves recognition for just being first.
Yes, this is the kind of thing I pay attention to Bridgette. Deal.
The third thing this movie deserves recognition for is taking the phrase "two steam-punk blimp airships dogfight and crash into the spire on the cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris" and making that actual action sequence incredibly dull. That uh... that takes some skill, right there.
And that's the rub. They wanted to make a steam-punk action movie. Someone decided they should use the story of The Three Musketeers to do that. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but somewhere in there someone forgot what makes a good action movie. It's not a preexisting property. It's the people in the fight. And while some of the choreography is legitimately entertaining, the fighting in this movie drags on because nobody takes the time to get us to care about the characters involved. And that's a darn shame because whatever else Dumas did wrong, he did give us some interesting characters.
So the next time you watch a summer blockbuster that doesn't click for you, ask yourself whether you cared about the characters. My bet is that you didn't. They were probably badly written, poorly portrayed, and generic or stereotypical. No amount of fancy special effects and good fight choreography will make those movies worth watching.
Let me repeat that. A few good fight scenes do not make a movie worthwhile. Whatever Hollywood tells you, you're not crazy for thinking that. You can stop going to Transformers movies. Please.
*this message brought to you by the Foundation For Ending The Transformers Franchise In The Name Of All That Is Holy.
I'm revisiting the topic to point out that no, I did not mean this movie. The Mickey Mouse version would be preferable. Watching your toddler swat a window with a broomstick until it cracked and eventually shattered (it being the toddler) and calling that The Three Musketeers would be preferable.
I did see this movie not long after it came out in 2011. The reason I'm back to it is because it crossed my Netflix feed not to long ago and I watched it again. And there are a few things about it that I feel are definitely worth talking about, beyond just warning you that this is not a great retelling of Dumas' excellent story about the musketeers. But I did want to start with the warning. Just to be clear.
First, I want to give a shout out to Milla Jovovich, who is an excellent action actress who never fails to entertain with her self-performed feats of physicality. She's a total bad-a, and even though her character in this movie (Milady, for those of you familiar with the cast of this story) isn't exactly... well, um, "written", in any sense of the word, and Milla doesn't do much to elevate the actual character performance above "motile cardboard cutout," every action sequence that features her is an absolute joy to watch. If you've never seen Milla Jovovich in an action movie, well, actually you have. She was Leeloo in The Fifth Element. Again, not an amazing character ("multi-pass?"), but her fight sequences were fun.
Second, I want to give a shoutout to the casting director of this movie, who gave us the opportunity to see Orlando Bloom acting opposite Off-Brand Orlando Bloom (#1). I can never remember that guy's actual name, and now that I've seen him in a bunch of other non-musketeer movies, that's a shame. OB OB (#1) is, in my opinion, a legitimately more talented actor than OG OB, but because The Lord of the Rings came first, I'll never be able to see him as anything other than a look-alike. Since this movie we got to see these two opposite each other again in The Hobbit, but this movie deserves recognition for just being first.
Yes, this is the kind of thing I pay attention to Bridgette. Deal.
The third thing this movie deserves recognition for is taking the phrase "two steam-punk blimp airships dogfight and crash into the spire on the cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris" and making that actual action sequence incredibly dull. That uh... that takes some skill, right there.
And that's the rub. They wanted to make a steam-punk action movie. Someone decided they should use the story of The Three Musketeers to do that. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but somewhere in there someone forgot what makes a good action movie. It's not a preexisting property. It's the people in the fight. And while some of the choreography is legitimately entertaining, the fighting in this movie drags on because nobody takes the time to get us to care about the characters involved. And that's a darn shame because whatever else Dumas did wrong, he did give us some interesting characters.
So the next time you watch a summer blockbuster that doesn't click for you, ask yourself whether you cared about the characters. My bet is that you didn't. They were probably badly written, poorly portrayed, and generic or stereotypical. No amount of fancy special effects and good fight choreography will make those movies worth watching.
Let me repeat that. A few good fight scenes do not make a movie worthwhile. Whatever Hollywood tells you, you're not crazy for thinking that. You can stop going to Transformers movies. Please.
*this message brought to you by the Foundation For Ending The Transformers Franchise In The Name Of All That Is Holy.
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