Life is like a bus that won't start.
Don't you think? Like sometimes you turn the key of life and nothing happens. You listen for the crank of plans coming together, or watch for the voltage drop of stress reduction, but it doesn't come. Almost as if there's some break in the system. You're putting in the effort but it's just not working like you expect.
And it doesn't make sense because from the inside you're doing everything you're supposed to do. You're recharging your mental batteries and refueling your physical fuel tank. All those online car repair forums (or self-help blogs as the case may be) have checklists of well-being that you're running through. Is your battery good? Check. Are you getting enough sleep? Check. Are you getting power at the starter? Check. Have you trained yourself to avoid toxic relationships? Check. Is the starter relay good? Check.
And so on, and so on. You work for weeks but still, nothing seems to make a difference. You just can't seem to manage to kick-start this thing. You feel worn-out and depressed, and more than a little angry that even when you're doing everything right, nothing turns out for you. You look more, searching for answers basically everywhere you possibly can. You pull the starter out of the engine and take it to a doctor. You get some tests done, hoping that maybe there's a pill for whatever is going on. But physiologically everything seems fine. The doctor says they wouldn't recommend pills, because they don't think they'd help. But then they go ahead and comment that you'll probably need them eventually because this thing, I mean because you are wearing out, and that just makes you feel a lot better now doesn't it?
So you start retracing your steps. You start ohm-ing out your mental wiring from link to link again and again, just to be sure. Did you overlook something? Did you miss something? What aren't you doing?? Schematics stop being helpful; you've pretty much memorized them by now. And if someone tells you to rid yourself of anything that does not spark, I mean that does not spark joy, you're pretty sure you're going to pull a knife on them. Negative emotions take over and you find yourself repeatedly cursing at inanimate objects.
And then, in a moment that feels miraculous in one way but in another catastrophically obnoxious, you figure it out. Someone else did something that's causing this breakdown in your mental health. They installed a proverbial redundant relay in the starter circuit of life. But whatever it is that'll get this thing to click home, well... it isn't labelled. But just being able to see the problem is a step forward, finally.
So what now? Do you just pull the problem out? Use a paperclip to bypass the relay and pretend it's not an issue? Or do you wander around the bu-I mean your life, carefully examining everything that could possibly require a safety interrupt in the starting signal line until you figure out that there's a bloody aftermarket switch on the back door that isn't connected to the g-danged latch handle for some reason?
Unfortunately only you can answer that question. These problems that cause us anguish in life are always so individual, so unpredictable. But just know that in some small way I understand what you're going through. I can relate.
Because sometimes life is just like a bus that won't start.
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