Oh man we are back on familiar ground. No fish here! Just beef, lettuce, tomatoes, sauce, and bun. A classic hamburger in the classicest of senses, relying simply on the strength of execution to set itself apart and not some ridiculous gimmick like steaming the buns. If the bestriped food felon of foe franchise fame were to go burgling any beef this week, you can bet your booties it wouldn't be the synth-organic protein-lattice provided by MathDoodles. He'd be desperately donning the Mask of Zorro to liberate these things from the cowboy down the street.
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| You cannot in good conscience tell me he didn't steal that thing from Zorro. |
Ar-"We Have The Meats"-by's has famously never* produced a hamburger, choosing instead to set themselves apart by limiting their menu to fast-food deli-sliced stuff like roost beens and ham (and mozzarella sticks). But there can be little doubt that following the success of stuff like their rib sandwich and fish sammies they have become heady with the scent of "ground, not sliced" possibilities exploited by the rest of the industry. With these new Wagyu burgers they've set their sights not just on MurDuuuur's, but on the likes of Carl's the Younger, the King of Burg, and Wendy's as well.
Released under their "Steakhouse" branding (which means these babies are limited time, so go try them while you can), Arb's spent two years** developing a pair of new contenders. The American Wagyu Blended Burger and the Bacon Ranch Wagyu Burger square up nicely opposite the likes of the Whopper, the Double Quarter-Pounder, and the Dave's Double, meaning that Arby's isn't playing kiddie ball here. They're taking on the standard American fast-food fare, the default delights that wooed a generation of children who've never heard of Five Guys. My wife and I bought one each of the Wagyu Steakhouse burgers so we could sample both, and this is what we found.
Those are definitely some fast food burgers! Good job, Arby's!
Look, I don't know what you were expecting. It's a ground beef patty on a bun with lettuce and tomato. Is it better than the burgers your dad makes on the 4th of July? Probably yes, you poor, poor thing. But it's not better than the burgers I make on the 4th of July. We've previously established that in order for the fastest of foods to justify themselves, it needs to do something I can't or provide me convenient nourishment at costs I can't match without opening a franchise in my basement. The Whopper, the Double Quarter Quarter, and even the Dave's sammiches don't actually do that. I usually eat something like a Baconator when I get a fast food burger, because the prohibitive price of that much bacon combined with that much beef justifies it.
But I could whip up something equivalent to the American Blended Burger in my kitchen literally tonight in about the same amount of time they did it at the drive-thru, and it would taste better. For anyone in the know, why yes, there is a special "burger sauce" on that burger. You could compare it to Big Mac sauce, but honestly you're giving credit where credit certainly isn't due; here in the Utah, we call it 'fry sauce'. It's what you get when you stir the ketchup and mayo together (with a tiny hint of mustard) before you spread it on the bun. MuDumdum's started the practice to save time for the line cooks. I suspect Arby's reasoning is very much the same.
Now, there is more mettle to the Bacon Ranch burger, which includes both Ranch sauce and bacon flavoring in that Ranch sauce***. This complicates the game of imitation, but I remain confident that I could replicate this particular specimen with time, patience, and a careful taste-test of various store-bought bacon ranch dressings. Di...did nobody tell you you can just buy that stuff at the grocery store? It comes in a bottle. The elf-lords of the Hidden Valley would have you believe it's for salads only, but exclusivity is a lie propagated by Big Lettuce. Don't let them tell you what to do.
No, the sole sliver of justification for the Wagyu Steakhouse burgers is a combination of their price (which is reasonable) and their beef. The Wagyu beef, as prepared on our burgers, was moist, delightfully flavorful, and perfectly char-broiled. The meat handily outperforms the likes of the Whopper and the Double Dibble-Dabble in quality, and the sandwiches are cheaper than the Dave's burgers of equivalent mass. So if you are pressed for time and you crave the shredded flesh of a cow, you certainly wouldn't go wrong swinging by Arby's for one of these sandwiches.
Simply because they aren't anything special doesn't mean they're bad. Despite being new they will feel familiar while tasting quite good. Sometimes that's all you want.
* I'm not fact-checking this, sorry
** Allegedly
*** Patent-Pending
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