If I were interested in symmetry, this list would have 10 films on it. The issue there is that I hate stuff like this to the point that I don't even like to think about them because, y'know, aneurisms are bad. So heck with symmetry, I'm'a list 5 films and why they hurt my soul and then we're going to do a list of my 10 favorite episodes of The Joy of Painting as a pallet cleanser, or whatever.
It's worth noting that these are not necessarily the 5 worst movies I've ever seen. See, I actually rather enjoy watching a movie fail in everything it tries to accomplish simultaneously. So long as the failure is hilarious or acid-trip-esque in its brain-shattering confusion, I actually like watching it in the same way I imagine I'd enjoy watching a very slow train wreck if the locomotive were filled entirely with the components of elephant toothpaste. So just because a movie is on here doesn't mean I'm saying it's objectively bad; it just means I hate it for reasons that are not always related to outright quality.
Now that we've clarified my stance here, let's start with the worst quality movie I've ever seen.
Manos: The Hands of Fate
The most entertainment I got out of this movie was after I'd forced myself to slog through it, when I realized that 'manos' is Spanish for 'hands', meaning that the title of this cesspool is literally 'hands, the hands of fate'. That made me laugh for a solid five minutes, though whether that was because I was genuinely amused or suffering from a recent onset of PTSD I'm not totally sure.
The reason I hate Manos so much is simply that while being genuinely one of the most ineptly-made films of all time, it didn't even have the grace to be unintentionally funny. Plan 9 from Outer Space is another terrible film people like to compare Manos to, and where film making quality is concerned I won't argue that Plan 9 is any better. But I think people contending that Plan 9 is worse are forgetting the fact that Bela Lugosi died while filming the scenes that wound up in that movie, and the filmmakers replaced him with a double that looked absolutely nothing like him and didn't try and explain what was going on in any way. Ridiculous attention-shattering jumps like that serve to make Plan 9 almost hysterical.
Manos gives us no such relief, and even Torgo's whole deal fails to produce lasting entertainment. I think perhaps the most damning thing about this film is that the version I watched was the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, and even with constant riffing I never even cracked a smile. Good night I despise this film.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
I have reviewed this movie before, so for extended ranting you can check that out on your own time (which is a weird saying, because like... it's just time? You can't... own... I'm confused).
The hate-broth concentrate version of my thoughts is really just that the entire Jurassic World franchise, but more especially the sequel, feels like it was created by a committee that simply did not comprehend why Jurassic Park was a good movie. The story was written by checking items off a buzzword salad bingo card, resulting in character motivations that are completely different from the first film and main plot events that all feel like they're from completely different movies. There are secondary plotlines that feel as if they were trying to pay obligatory homage to the disaster movie genre, which is odd, given that this isn't a freaking disaster movie.
There is no wonder in this movie, one of the central tenets of what made Jurassic Park work, and there is no suspense, given how the next thing to happen is transparently obvious to anyone who has watched a mainstream blockbuster in the past few decades. Oh, and that suspense? That was the other leg upon which Jurassic Park stood. Thus legless this film fails to deliver on any promises, and it offends me that so much money and effort were spent on such a mediocre film while the producers sat in their ivory penthouses pretending they were crafting an heir to something like Jurassic Park.
Star Trek (2009)
With over a decade of hindsight on this movie now I feel like there's context that needs to be added to my original review. Nothing of what I said in that review has changed, really, but I finally have the words necessary to articulate why I first liked the movie and then grew to hate it over time.
Simply put, the context is the franchise. It says Star Trek on the tin, but aside from some names and the character of Bones what we got could not have been more dissimilar to the rest of the Star Trek franchise. There is an argument to be made that the franchise since this movie is now more like this movie than it is like what came before, but I'll make the argument that everything bearing the name Star Trek post-2009 (with the possible exception of Beyond) is actually an alternate universe version of the franchise presented as if it were created by George Lucas.
Or for the Trekkies out there, the version of the franchise set in the Mirror Universe.
The simple fact is that the JJ Abrams Trek is a perfectly fine movie. Simple story structure, basic characters, but it's easy to follow and holds together well enough to function in its intended capacity; ligaments needed to hold the action set-pieces together. Because that's what this movie is; it's an action blockbuster along the lines of the recent Fast and Furious movies. Which is fine. I actually enjoy Fast and Furious films. But I hate this movie because it promised Star Trek and didn't deliver Star Trek, and what's more, it seems to have officially killed the franchise entirely. So that makes me unhappy.
Suicide Squad (2016)
Okay, this... this is just a bad movie. I don't feel like I need to spend any additional time on it beyond just pointing you at my review and adding that Suicide Squad so perfectly encapsulates every aspect of large studio productions that I don't like. It does this while simultaneously managing to drop every aspect of large studio productions that I do like. I cannot fathom how a movie with this kind of budget can fail this spectacularly, but well... here we are.
The Last Airbender
So if the 2009 Trek and Fallen Kingdom spit and urinate on their respective source material, The Last Airbender restrains the source material and then proceeds to projectile vomit directly into its face. This is to Avatar: The Last Airbender what Adolf Hitler is to Germany; if you base your opinion of the second on your experience with the first, everybody will understand why you're feeling a little genocidal but you're going to miss out on bratwurst and Oktoberfest in the process.
Without my background understanding of the cartoon on which this movie is ostensibly based, I would be extremely confused and disappointed by the movie. It's quite comprehensively bad! The acting is terrible and the script is a joke, but, like, not in the humor way. The effects seem unfinished and the fight choreography is... I mean, were they kidding with some of this crap? But it's certainly not the worst movie I've ever seen. Mainly it just comes across as a stupid idea that was poorly made into an amateurish movie.
The idea, however, is not stupid, and when the production is actually handled by competent people it can be turned into one of the single greatest pieces of entertainment ever created! This movie undoubtedly turned some people off to Avatar: The Last Airbender, and for that I can find no forgiveness within me.
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